Scary feelings

 

I have made up my mind

to take the risk

of feeling love again –

and what a challenge that is!!!

 

I am amazed about my own feelings

– not too much about their intensity any longer,

but about the extent to which

the fear of them has been reduced

over the years I didn’t dare to feel anything at all…

 

I have learned to control

all these painful, love-preventing mechanisms in my mind:

trying to hurt the other person first before I get hurt,

not expressing my feelings directly,

allowing my mother’s voice in my head

to tell me that everything

surely

will turn out painful and bad…

 

But I don’t yet dare to believe

that they are not going to break through again –

after having realised that there is

love again

for them to destroy…

 

I promised myself

that I won’t be scared again –

but yesterday,

after reading all your emotional and tender words,

to be honest:

I felt a little scared again!